born free.

Happy Fourth of July!
Enjoy these beautiful photos of our child.

Emerson: month seven

Emer-man,

You're so grown up! I can hardly believe it.

Suddenly you had one tooth pop up, and then another. It was really crazy how quickly it happened. Now it is actually pretty painful when you try to bite me.

We have been in Georgia and we were here when you hit your seven month mark. It's been fun being able to see everyone and you getting some good cousin time. Paisley loved to push you around in her baby stroller and toy shopping cart. And Walker loves to steal your paci and make you cry.

I feel like you change so much so quickly now that it's hard to keep track of when you started doing something. You did start to say "Ba" and "ba-ba-ba". I don't think it means much to you but you really seem to be proud of yourself for being able to say it. It is so adorable. I've been trying to get you to say MAMA but you're just sticking with BA BA for now. And I think DA DA will probably be next. Which will make me jealous.

Your new favorite game to play is peek-a-boo. Sometimes you'll even pull the blanket over your head and pull it down and then I say PEEK A BOO ! and you laugh and laugh. It can usually even make you stop crying for a moment if you're throwing a fit. Which by the way, you've also started to do that too. Cry if you get something taken away, but luckily you're still young enough I can distract you with something else.

 OH you also went to the Lake for the first time. It was still a little too cold but when we get home we are gonna go SWIMMIN! You went to the pool in GA, also. That was your first pool experience, I think you liked it. You are a water baby, I hope.

I hope I didn't leave anything out about what you've been up to this month. There's too much for me to keep up with. I love every second, though! But I can't believe how fast it's going.  Before I know you're going to be running around the house causing terror. 

We love you so much sweet angel baby!

Love, mom xoxox

Emerson: month six

                               


Emer-

sugar bug! I'm a little late writing this post but by the time you're old enough to even be reading these you won't know the difference and you're all that matters anyway.

You are a 1/2 a year old and you are basically a different baby everyday, but still beautiful and adorable.

You're sitting up on your own now. Once in awhile you forget that you have to balance and you fall over and then there's a thud and then there is crying and then I feel guilty. But, you're fine. (I hope.) You're also holding your own bottle. It is nice but sometimes it makes me feel a little sad that it's one less thing you NEED me for. But don't get it twisted, you still need me for a lot of things. (and I'm happy to oblige cause I love being yo mama!)

You think I am so funny. You usually have a smile for everyone but you save your belly laughs for me. I think I deserve it, cause I'm cool and I have a buttload stretchmarks for you. Also, I love you.

We also moved you to your own room. Sometimes I miss you. But we're all sleeping better now, so it's good. It's not like you care. We still snuggle so hard in the morning before you get up to eat. Speaking of eat, you're eating real food now. Well, kind of, purees. Mostly just avocado and sweet potato so far. I'm scared to give you new stuff cause your poops have been like clockwork (omg are you so embarrassed I'm talking about your poops?) and I don't want you to get stopped up or poop excessively. But it's already starting to change so I guess it's inevitable. Today you pooped all the way up your back, you've actually done this a few times in the last month. I blame Pampers. Gotta blame someone and I'm not gonna blame you cause you're too cute.

Oh, so this month we took you down to Sanpete County for the first time, and you were like MOM how did you grow up here and turn out so normal and cool? and I was like, miracles are real, Emerson, miracles are real. It was fun though. Also, your gma & gpa Coffin came to visit last weekend and we took you to the zoo at Tautphaus Park. You like to look at stuff so we thought you would enjoy it but most of it wasn't up close and personal enough for you to care. Perhaps a petting zoo would be better for you at this stage, or just sticking to your puppies.

Your doctor's appointment was yesterday. You're growing growing growing. Still tall and skinny. you're in the 22 percentile for weight 70th for height and 51st for head circumference (NORMAL HEAD SIZE OH YEAH). You cry so hard when you get your shots but only for a minute. Then you sleep it off like a champ. At the doctor's office they always call you a girl cause your name is Emerson and it makes me annoyed. Emerson is a boy's name. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, we love you, seriously so much. You are the best thing in this whole state, most likely in the world.

Love, Mommy

the hole in my heart.

for many years, my heart had a gaping, painful [metaphorical] hole in it. a hole that was created from the loss of my mother in 2003. the hole caused a deep ache in my chest and at any given moment anything could trigger it, but the ache was nearly unbearable on holidays, particularly mother's day.

as time went on, various people were able to take up the space in that hole to make things more bearable. still painful, but bearable. my relationship with my Heavenly Father, new friendships, deeper, more meaningful relationships with family members, and eventually, Taylor Giddens.

I had a lot of love in my life. I still cried for my mother, and the relationship we could have had and the things I needed from a mother, but would never get. But the pain I felt from that was manageable, thanks to all of the wonderful people in my life, particularly my husband.

But I still felt a void in my heart, in my life. I was certain that this aching void would never go away. That I would never feel like a whole person again, no matter how many loving relationships and friendships I had.

And then, on November 12th, 2013 my baby boy came into this world and proved me wrong.

Emerson has filled up all of the spaces in my heart that were still empty. he has repaired my heart to make me feel like a whole person again. he has given my life new meaning. Being his mother has made my whole life so much better.

This was the first mother's day since 2003 that I haven't woken up with a feeling of despair, dread, and heartache. Attempting to avoid the world and the motherly love I didn't get to partake in. This morning I woke up filled with such gratitude that I get to be a mother and was overwhelmed with the love have have for my sweet little angel baby, and couldn't wait to kiss his perfect face.

I always thought it was so cliche to for mothers to say all of the sleepless nights, all of the poop, the inconsolable crying, the worrying, the insecurities, the bad days, that they were all worth the perfect moments you get with your children, but it is so true. It is all so worth it.

This is not to say that I don't miss my mother, that I don't still cry for her sometimes, but just that my son has made me whole again. He is my little piece of heaven on earth. a little piece of my mom given to me again.

I love being a mom, I really, really do.

Easter

Easter is a holiday with strange vibes. It's not near as hyped up as Christmas or Thanksgiving but I find myself feeling the most sad on Easter when we have to be away from Family. More than any other holiday.

I also kind of dropped the ball on getting Emerson a cute outfit for Easter which is like my number one job as a mom on this day. Sigh.

Anyway, it wasn't a bad day. Just missing some family.

Here are some pics!

date night surprise.

about a month ago, i decided that i wanted to plan a surprise overnight getaway for Tayl for our anniversary.

when I thought about leaving my baby overnight, I panicked. but I was reassured by my beef, Jen, that he would be perfectly fine and there was nothing wrong with leaving him for one night.

So I swallowed all of my worries and booked the hotel, hoping that I would be able to pull this off.

Taylor knew that my dad and step-mom were going to babysit while we went on a date. We decided to go to Color Me Mine and get sushi for dinner and then that was it. It just so happened that Color Me Mine was having a pajama night where if you show up in your PJs the studio fee per person is 2 dollars instead 10. So we agreed that we would do that, because we're always just going to dinner and movie and it would be something different.

So we showed up to that place in our pajamas like a couple of geeky teenagers on a prom date and the girl at the counter is like, "are you guys here to paint?" I was like, "no, we just like to loiter at places of business in pajamas for the hell of it." Okay, I didn't really say that. If I had a dime for the number of times I have to swallow back some mean sarcastic comment because of something stupid a stranger said, I'd have like 50 dollars in dimes.

Anyway, it turns out that they had no available tables for painting. So they said they would put us on a waiting list and call when something opened up. So immediately I'm like, F this. (F as in forget) we walked back to the car, and I looked up what time and where The Grand Budapest Hotel was playing. We had just enough time to get downtown. We changed our clothes in the parking deck like hobos and made it just in time.

After the movie, we went to go get sushi.  When we pulled up to the restaurant I noticed that it was right across from the hotel. Which was really convenient.

Prior to the date I thought about ways I could execute letting Taylor know about the hotel stay. I wasn't sure how I would be able to pull it off and so on the way to dinner I shot from the hip and told him I was buying his anniversary present from a guy on craigslist but the guy wanted to meet in the lobby of this hotel. Tayl was slightly concerned about this, "should I go in with you?" "are you gonna be okay?" "maybe you should talk to me on the phone while you're walking up to him." but I assured him all would be fine and I didn't want him to see what I was getting him. I told him not to pull up to the doors cause I didn't want him to see. So I went inside, checked in, and walked back out to the car. I got inside and handed him the room key and said "Happy Anniversary" he stared at them for like what seemed like forever as though he had no idea what he was holding in his hand. Finally he said, "wait, are we staying here?"

At first he didn't seem like he was very excited. But then I realized that I had about a month to prepare for leaving the baby overnight without one of us, Taylor had none time to mentally prepare so he was just trying to process, that boy loves his baby, like a lot. In the end he was excited and happy.

Then we went up to our hotel room, watched the news, kissed each other goodnight, and went straight to bed.

(I'm lying about that part. But I'll spare you the details.)

Emerson: Month 5

EMER!

you sweet thang. you are 5 months old and you are always making us laugh now!

just in the last couple of days you've started yelling like an old lady, you are discovering your voice in the most hilarious ways possible.

you LOVE dogs. not just our dogs but any dogs. just looking at a dog will make you laugh so hard and you reach out to grab them. it makes me happy because dogs are the best (much better than people, or cats).

also, you're quite the little thug baby. you love music but you REALLY love Trophies by Drake. You actually dance to that song. You'll sit in your little play center seat and just go crazy when it's on. If I pause it you'll stop and hold perfectly still until I turn it on again. You are a cool dude.

this month we went to bear lake for the week without your daddy. we missed him and he missed us but we had a good time with your great-grandma and great aunt holly and the boys. those boys were obsessed with you. they loved to feed you and hold you and play with you and make you laugh, you loved them too.

we also left you overnight for the first time with your gpa & gma so we could celebrate our anniversary while we were in SLC. it was hard to leave you for so long but we had fun and so did you. you were a good boy, like you usually always are, unless you're teething.

you're growing and learning everyday, like most babies do. you've learned how to roll from your back to your belly. so that probably means you'll be rolling around this house any day now, beginning your life of mobility (YIKES, Am I ready for that? I guess I'll have to be.)

anyway, as per usual, I love you. WE both love you. we are so glad it's starting to get warm. we are gonna do fun stuff this spring/summer.

love mommy xoxox

the one that got away.

*WARNING* love and emotions.

today is our 3 year anniversary. so this is kind of a love letter to my husband. except a love letter that other people can read because no one wants to read the ones I write privately because they would gag or throw up  and/or cry. I guess this might induce the same reaction but in a different way...

sometimes I think about how easy it would have been for Taylor and I not to end up together and it blows my mind. actually I'll be honest, it terrifies me. which is stupid. because why would you be scared of something that never happened? It was just too many close calls. Like dodging bullets. If you would have just slightly tweaked one thing in either of our lives, we could have just never met. Or met but ended up with someone else, anyway.

I think about how many people have the one person in their life that they label as "the one that got away" and how horrible it must feel to live a life of "what ifs" or "what could have beens".

Taylor is my one that got away, that didn't really ever get away. I know that there are lots of people who feel that way about the one they ended up with too. So it's not like we're some kind of needle in a haystack but we are one of the lucky ones. To be in love with no regrets. To know that we are exactly where we belong.

I may hate where I live, but it doesn't make me feel any less blessed. I am married to the man of my dreams and I got to have his beautiful baby and will hopefully pop out a few more in the coming years, and maybe one day live somewhere that I don't hate...

When I think back on our life so far, scenes play through my mind like a movie montage (cue bryan adams cheesy 80's ballad) we're getting engaged and fighting more than ever, we make it through and we're getting married, we're on our honeymoon without a care in the world, we're back to reality, we're getting into debt, we're stressed about our future, we fight sometimes, then we make up, we're relieved when Taylor gets a job, we are living in the UK (seriously, who gets to just live in the UK all expenses paid?), we're homesick, we're moving to Savannah, I'm mad about something, Taylor makes it where I can't stay mad, find out I'm pregnant, 5 days later, miscarriage, Taylor leaves for China for a month, we're skyping, he comes home, we're kissing, we're laughing, we're enjoying Savannah, suddenly we're unemployed, we're bickering, then we're laughing again, he gets a job in Idaho, total shock, we drive to Idaho, when we arrive first thing, I see a lady wearing a scrunchie and I cry because I hate it here, Taylor laughs at me, we live in a camper for a month, we buy our first house, we're settling in, get another dog, a reckless valentine's day, pregnancy test positive, in shock, then really happy, Taylor bringing me cold rags and glasses of water as I barf into the toilet every morning, getting ready for baby, baby gets here, in love with him, adjusting to parenthood, and suddenly we realize we've been
at this for 3 years and we're still in love.

In the scheme of things, 3 years isn't even that long. And the speed at which it has all taken place makes it feel like it's only been a few months.We've seen a lot of places and been through a lot of changes and ups and downs and I'm glad I picked a good one to do it all with.

happy anniversary my love. you're the only one for me, even if we are 11th cousins.