Emerson: month six

                               


Emer-

sugar bug! I'm a little late writing this post but by the time you're old enough to even be reading these you won't know the difference and you're all that matters anyway.

You are a 1/2 a year old and you are basically a different baby everyday, but still beautiful and adorable.

You're sitting up on your own now. Once in awhile you forget that you have to balance and you fall over and then there's a thud and then there is crying and then I feel guilty. But, you're fine. (I hope.) You're also holding your own bottle. It is nice but sometimes it makes me feel a little sad that it's one less thing you NEED me for. But don't get it twisted, you still need me for a lot of things. (and I'm happy to oblige cause I love being yo mama!)

You think I am so funny. You usually have a smile for everyone but you save your belly laughs for me. I think I deserve it, cause I'm cool and I have a buttload stretchmarks for you. Also, I love you.

We also moved you to your own room. Sometimes I miss you. But we're all sleeping better now, so it's good. It's not like you care. We still snuggle so hard in the morning before you get up to eat. Speaking of eat, you're eating real food now. Well, kind of, purees. Mostly just avocado and sweet potato so far. I'm scared to give you new stuff cause your poops have been like clockwork (omg are you so embarrassed I'm talking about your poops?) and I don't want you to get stopped up or poop excessively. But it's already starting to change so I guess it's inevitable. Today you pooped all the way up your back, you've actually done this a few times in the last month. I blame Pampers. Gotta blame someone and I'm not gonna blame you cause you're too cute.

Oh, so this month we took you down to Sanpete County for the first time, and you were like MOM how did you grow up here and turn out so normal and cool? and I was like, miracles are real, Emerson, miracles are real. It was fun though. Also, your gma & gpa Coffin came to visit last weekend and we took you to the zoo at Tautphaus Park. You like to look at stuff so we thought you would enjoy it but most of it wasn't up close and personal enough for you to care. Perhaps a petting zoo would be better for you at this stage, or just sticking to your puppies.

Your doctor's appointment was yesterday. You're growing growing growing. Still tall and skinny. you're in the 22 percentile for weight 70th for height and 51st for head circumference (NORMAL HEAD SIZE OH YEAH). You cry so hard when you get your shots but only for a minute. Then you sleep it off like a champ. At the doctor's office they always call you a girl cause your name is Emerson and it makes me annoyed. Emerson is a boy's name. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, we love you, seriously so much. You are the best thing in this whole state, most likely in the world.

Love, Mommy

the hole in my heart.

for many years, my heart had a gaping, painful [metaphorical] hole in it. a hole that was created from the loss of my mother in 2003. the hole caused a deep ache in my chest and at any given moment anything could trigger it, but the ache was nearly unbearable on holidays, particularly mother's day.

as time went on, various people were able to take up the space in that hole to make things more bearable. still painful, but bearable. my relationship with my Heavenly Father, new friendships, deeper, more meaningful relationships with family members, and eventually, Taylor Giddens.

I had a lot of love in my life. I still cried for my mother, and the relationship we could have had and the things I needed from a mother, but would never get. But the pain I felt from that was manageable, thanks to all of the wonderful people in my life, particularly my husband.

But I still felt a void in my heart, in my life. I was certain that this aching void would never go away. That I would never feel like a whole person again, no matter how many loving relationships and friendships I had.

And then, on November 12th, 2013 my baby boy came into this world and proved me wrong.

Emerson has filled up all of the spaces in my heart that were still empty. he has repaired my heart to make me feel like a whole person again. he has given my life new meaning. Being his mother has made my whole life so much better.

This was the first mother's day since 2003 that I haven't woken up with a feeling of despair, dread, and heartache. Attempting to avoid the world and the motherly love I didn't get to partake in. This morning I woke up filled with such gratitude that I get to be a mother and was overwhelmed with the love have have for my sweet little angel baby, and couldn't wait to kiss his perfect face.

I always thought it was so cliche to for mothers to say all of the sleepless nights, all of the poop, the inconsolable crying, the worrying, the insecurities, the bad days, that they were all worth the perfect moments you get with your children, but it is so true. It is all so worth it.

This is not to say that I don't miss my mother, that I don't still cry for her sometimes, but just that my son has made me whole again. He is my little piece of heaven on earth. a little piece of my mom given to me again.

I love being a mom, I really, really do.

the one that got away.

*WARNING* love and emotions.

today is our 3 year anniversary. so this is kind of a love letter to my husband. except a love letter that other people can read because no one wants to read the ones I write privately because they would gag or throw up  and/or cry. I guess this might induce the same reaction but in a different way...

sometimes I think about how easy it would have been for Taylor and I not to end up together and it blows my mind. actually I'll be honest, it terrifies me. which is stupid. because why would you be scared of something that never happened? It was just too many close calls. Like dodging bullets. If you would have just slightly tweaked one thing in either of our lives, we could have just never met. Or met but ended up with someone else, anyway.

I think about how many people have the one person in their life that they label as "the one that got away" and how horrible it must feel to live a life of "what ifs" or "what could have beens".

Taylor is my one that got away, that didn't really ever get away. I know that there are lots of people who feel that way about the one they ended up with too. So it's not like we're some kind of needle in a haystack but we are one of the lucky ones. To be in love with no regrets. To know that we are exactly where we belong.

I may hate where I live, but it doesn't make me feel any less blessed. I am married to the man of my dreams and I got to have his beautiful baby and will hopefully pop out a few more in the coming years, and maybe one day live somewhere that I don't hate...

When I think back on our life so far, scenes play through my mind like a movie montage (cue bryan adams cheesy 80's ballad) we're getting engaged and fighting more than ever, we make it through and we're getting married, we're on our honeymoon without a care in the world, we're back to reality, we're getting into debt, we're stressed about our future, we fight sometimes, then we make up, we're relieved when Taylor gets a job, we are living in the UK (seriously, who gets to just live in the UK all expenses paid?), we're homesick, we're moving to Savannah, I'm mad about something, Taylor makes it where I can't stay mad, find out I'm pregnant, 5 days later, miscarriage, Taylor leaves for China for a month, we're skyping, he comes home, we're kissing, we're laughing, we're enjoying Savannah, suddenly we're unemployed, we're bickering, then we're laughing again, he gets a job in Idaho, total shock, we drive to Idaho, when we arrive first thing, I see a lady wearing a scrunchie and I cry because I hate it here, Taylor laughs at me, we live in a camper for a month, we buy our first house, we're settling in, get another dog, a reckless valentine's day, pregnancy test positive, in shock, then really happy, Taylor bringing me cold rags and glasses of water as I barf into the toilet every morning, getting ready for baby, baby gets here, in love with him, adjusting to parenthood, and suddenly we realize we've been
at this for 3 years and we're still in love.

In the scheme of things, 3 years isn't even that long. And the speed at which it has all taken place makes it feel like it's only been a few months.We've seen a lot of places and been through a lot of changes and ups and downs and I'm glad I picked a good one to do it all with.

happy anniversary my love. you're the only one for me, even if we are 11th cousins.

notes on the bathroom mirror.

before Emerson came along. marriage was easy. when you have nothing but each other it's not hard to make time to spend quality time with each other and connect and be romantic or whatever.

but then a third person comes into your world and you both love him immensely and he changes your world and he IS your world. So then you have to retrain yourselves to set aside time to also focus on each other sometimes. and it isn't exactly easy to, but it's necessary. 

we've been able to go on a couple date nights while my dad and step mom babysat for us. which has been wonderful but they don't live close so those don't come often. so I've been trying to get creative.

I bought a dry erase marker to keep in the bathroom to write each other sweet little love notes. I am pretty sure I saw this idea on pinterest. and I thought aww, cute. 

but because it is us we're talking about, "sweet" is the last thing they've been.

Obscene love notes would be a better description. Because we are perverted and immature. Obviously I'm not going to relay the messages that have been written on the mirror, because they would burn your eyes.

But nonetheless, that is what makes us perfect for each other so it's a nice reminder of why we are in love. And you know, the notes aren't totally perverted all the time, sometimes they are actually sweet, or sometimes they are sweet but slightly cutting. I.E. this.

"Tayl, I <3 you even though you left the diaper bag. <3/kynslie xoxo"

So now I understand what people meant when they said marriage was hard, but it's still not really THAT hard. just like, have to actually make sure we don't get totally lost in parenthood and forget to be lovers. (sorry that word is SO gross, but... I wasn't sure what other word would get the point across.)

impromptu friday night photoshoot.

Taylor is really the only one who gets dressed in this house regularly, because he has to go out in the world to work everyday. But Emer and I, it's rare. He lives in footie pajamas and I am the sloppy housewife cliche and wear sweats. Although sometimes we like to get him dressed up to go out since we do have some real cute clothes for him. We decided to do that tonight. And then of course, we had to take a million pictures. Here are the highlights and when I say highlights I mean like, every single one:

Emerson: month three

Emer-man,

Me and you are serious pals. You love me a lot, but probably not near as much as I love you.

this last month you've already changed so much. you REALLY REALLY laugh. The first time was with your great aunt Holly. now you do it all the time. mostly for me or your daddy. You've discovered that you can use your hands to bring things to your mouth. I mean, you're not like a professional at it yet, but you're getting there. Now, in addition to using your hands to hit your toys on your playmat, you use your feet too, like a little gymnast and you SQUEAL with major excitement. It's the cutest thing. You love to snuggle and you loooove to play with my hair. I had been considering cutting it until you started doing that. Ahh, just thinking about you snuggling me in bed and playing with my hair makes my heart melt.

you hate tummy time, but it's paying off cause you're so good at holding your head up on your own now. You loove to listen to your dad play songs for you on the guitar and sometimes you like to play on it too. you child prodigy. You love your puppies and slowly but surely they are starting to realize that you are person and love you too.

Also, this month you got to see Aunt Jen and meet Uncle Scotty and Gracie (your future wife) she's 2 and a half and she loved you.

The biggest accomplishment this month is that you are actually sleeping through the night! Unfortunately your paranoid mama is not, but I feel pretty proud that my half-attempts at sleep training actually worked.

Anyway, you're still wonderful. We both love you so much.

Stay cool. and stay a baby for as long as possible ok?

love, mom
xoxox