how to be a mormon hipster.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming of boring married blogging to bring you:

HOW TO BE A HIPSTER WHILE KEEPING IT REAL WITH 

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS.

If you are of the LDS faith, being a hipster might seem to be an impossible task what with the V-necks and the excessive drinking of Pabst Blue Ribbon. But I am here to tell you that it is not. Through observation, google search, and this thrilling article in the NY Times (it can be found HERE) I have done a minimal amount of research on how you can make this possible.

1. Everything you do, DO IT IRONICALLY.  

This is the most important step. I can't stress that enough. This will help you seem super cool with anything you do. Wear stone wash jeans from the thrift store, ironically. Listen to hip hop, ironically. Watch VHS tapes instead of DVDs, ironically. Basically, be poor, ironically.

2. Hair

Hair plays an important role in a hipsters image. I actually don't know why, but it does. For women, it's best to have short hair. As short as you're brave enough for. If this is not possible, it has to be long, and wavy. As far as color, you can dye it or not. If you choose to color it, don't talk about it, ever. This will leave room for people to think that purple hue is your natural color. If you don't color your hair, feel free to brag about this often for street cred purposes. For men, there are several acceptable styles for the mormon hipster but these two are the most ideal:

OR

the ironic mullet

This is really a time for you to get creative. 

3. Facial Hair

It is essential for men that you have SOME kind of facial hair. Whether that be a moustache (personal fave) of any sort, beard, or five o' clock shadow. Of course, goatees and mutton chops are not acceptable, unless of course, you have them IRONICALLY (refer to step one). Female hipsters are not completely exempt from this step, though you are not required to have facial hair, you ARE required to like and date and marry men with facial hair. If you don't like facial hair, pretend that you do. Also, wear fake mustaches whenever possible and acceptable.

4. Clothes & Accessories

I am honestly not going to get super heavy into this one because this could take days. There are so many things that hipsters can wear and still be hipsters. Especially when you throw in irony. Irony can make any outfit cool. (refer again to step one.) HOWEVER the staple in the unisex hipster wardrobe is of course, SKINNY JEANS and baggy tops for women and tight tops for men. Make sure the clothes you buy are 50% from the thrift store and 50% from H&M.  If you are rich you can use some of your H&M half at Urban Outfitters, J. Crew, or Anthro. BUT you can never cut into your thrift store half. Thrifting is ESSENTIAL!  Also, make sure you're always wearing glasses (prescription or not_. These are the preferred styles of glasses. (all styles are unisex)

(we srsly <3 dallas green though)

For the guys: how to get around V-Necks

This probably seems hard. But it's possible. Honestly, the V-neck situation in the world is getting out of hand anyway. The V-necks are getting so deep that people are drowning in the sea of exposed chest hair. So don't feel too bad about missing out on this one because you are endowed. Here are some alternatives: Flannel shirts, t-shirts with wolves on them, t-shirts from bands that are so underground even Brendan Fraser couldn't find them in his Journey to the Center of the Earth and sometimes you can wear suit coats or cardigans over said t-shirts. Also, turtle necks, and ugly sweaters. MAKE SURE NOT TO FORGET TO WEAR A SCARF! Even in the summer.

What about church clothes?

A big part of being a Mormon hipster is that you are, still a Mormon, and being a Mormon means you gotta go to church. Because being inactive, is NOT hip. For the women I have 3 staples for you, Thrift store dresses, flats, and SHOULDER PADS. For the men, make sure to wear fitted dress pants, they're kind of like skinny jeans but for church. As far as ties, don't even THINK about wearing regular ties. This is unacceptable, (UNLESS, it's a tie with a pattern which is appropriate for church, and also ironic.) Some good alternatives for regular ties: skinny ties, bolo ties, or bow ties.

5. Music/Books/Movies

Navigating the hipster scene of multimedia can be daunting. What to watch!? What to hear!? What to read!? 

I'm here to sort of help.

Music

Well, fortunately you being a hipster means you are not stuck with one genre of music. You can do electronic, acoustic, hip-hop, instrumental indie rock, whatever your mood. However it is SO SO SO important that you only listen to underground music. This will give you the upper hand in situations with your "normal" friends. There might come a day when your favorite underground gets out and gets popular, but do not fear. You heard it first. Before they were cool. You are king. Also, You are allowed to listen to top 40, either secretly, or ironically. If you have a Spotify, be VERY careful to only listen to music that no one knows, or makes you look cool.

Books

Don't read Twilight. Too late? That's okay, just tell everyone you hated it. Even if you didn't. Because hating Twilight is what hip people do.

Movies

Movies can be tough because a lot of LDS members don't watch rated R movies. And it's usually pretty essential that hipsters watch and LOVE Wes Anderson movies. Which are pretty much all rated R. Fortunately for you, there is Fantastic Mr. Fox. Watch it. Love it. This is your ticket to cool.

6. College

I am not going to tell you that you HAVE to go to college to be a hipster, but you pretty much do. This is where you will find other hipsters to hang out with OR other hipsters to avoid (avoiding people is cool). If you can't afford school, or just don't feel like it, just go to your nearest college and wander around campus with your backpack and macbook (APPLE PRODUCTS ONLY! FOREVER!) and act like you're studying. It is important to note that you can attend any college you want, EXCEPT BYU. I'm sorry. BYU is not hip. However, BYU-IDAHO, is acceptable. Mormon Hipsters tend to thrive and flourish there. Any school that is an art school is ideal, though.

In summary

If you follow all of these simple steps and add a small amount of your own imagination (but only a very small), you can be a hipster.  Follow the winds of change in the hipster scene and never conform to the norms of society. But I mean, you still have to follow the word of wisdom and the Prophet and stuff. 

Also, ride bikes. But only road bikes or beach cruisers. If all else fails, long board. Or roller skate, ironically.