Dear Emerson, about today...

Dear Emerson,

Today is a strange day. September 19th is typically hard day for me, sometimes I am able to be positive about this day, and be a strength for others, and sometimes I want to be left alone to wallow in my self pity. But this day feels totally different now that you're here with me. You could probably tell something was different because when I walked in your room to get you out of your crib this morning, I started to cry the second I saw and you seemed a little confused. I was even a little confused because it came out of no where. After all, for most of the people in the world, today is just a normal day the same as any other. But 11 years ago on this very date, I lost my mom.

I shouldn't say I lost her, she isn't lost. She died. She is in heaven now. Sometimes I have dreams that I find her and she faked it all so she could run away, but those are just dreams and nothing else. But that number, 11, is scary to me. Every year I get closer to a number that will mean I've been without her longer than I got to be with her. I never wanted the majority of my life to be a life without a mother. But sometimes we don't get to choose our circumstances.

This day, it makes me feel different with you here. It doesn't feel overwhelmingly sad, but it doesn't feel like I can be super positive either. I think what's different is that now that you're here, I have to be sad for an entirely second person now.

Now that you're here I feel sad for me and for you.
I feel sad for you because you don't even know the goodness that you're missing out on without her here. and I feel sad for me because I do.
I feel sad that you won't ever be in a single photograph with her.
I feel sad that she doesn't get to hold you and kiss you and brag about you to her friends.
I feel sad because she's not here to tell me how similar you are to me when I was baby and to argue with me about new parenting tactics vs old school parenting tactics.
I feel sad that she doesn't get to come stay for too long to spend time with you and get on my nerves.
I feel sad that I won't ever get to see how excited you get when she walks in a room.
I feel sad for you that you won't ever get to hear her tell you how much she loves you.
I feel sad that I can't send her pictures of you everyday so we can laugh together about how funny you are. But most of all I feel sad that she's been gone so long that neither you nor I will ever have the slightest idea what it would feel like to have all of these things with her. Because for me she's only memories now and for you she'll just be stories other people tell you.

But that's just life sweet boy, everyone dies sometime. Which means a lot of people have to go through their life too long without moms, and dads, and grandmas, and grandpas. And quite frankly, the way my life worked out after she died was a series of intricate events that led me to your dad which ultimately led to the creation of you (sorry to be gross) and I can't know for sure but there's a large possibility that if she were alive I wouldn't have you or your dad so I can't say that I would change anything, as hard as that is to say out loud. If I only got to have my mom for a short time in my life so that I could end up with you, then so be it. You are worth everything to me. I would suffer the worst pain a million times over for you.

In spite of this strange sadness I'm feeling today, to be over indulgent in self pity today or any day would be a slap in the face to all the huge blessings in our life that we have. We have a good life. But it's okay to be sad, and feel things that are hard to feel.  But, when you're mourning what you don't have don't let yourself forget who and what you DO have. Which is a lot of things and a lot of people.

I love you, sweet baby.

Emerson: Month Nine

Honestly dude, I'm seriously slacking on these. BUT I AM DETERMINED TO DO THE LAST THREE (only 3 left? sorry, but I am going to cry for a sec). It's pretty much a guarantee I won't be doing anything of this sort for any subsequent siblings you may or may not have. But one of the perks of being the oldest I guess, your parents put effort into documenting your childhood.

This month has been fun! You think that because you are mobile that means you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. I think your dad helps perpetuate that belief for you too. Once upon a time I read that if you tell babies "NO" with enough conviction and the right tone, they will comply. HAHAHAHA it makes me laugh now, because I've tried telling you no a million different ways and you either think it means "yes, dump the hot melted Scentsy wax all over the floor" or you think it means something hilarious and it makes you laugh. *sigh* You are seriously a P.I.T.A. sometimes, a really adorable one though. I love you.

You started saying MAMA! I'm not sure if you associate that word with me, orr if it's just a sound you make, but either way, it melts my icy cold heart. and you LOOVE to wrestle with Roscoe these days. I think it's fun that you're finally able to play with him, but sometimes you take it a little too far. But he'll live... I hope.

This summer has been really fun. We went to Bear Lake for Raspberry Days. You thought the parade was mostly cool and you thought floating in the lake in your floatie was mostly cool too. Sometimes you just stare with no particular emotion on your face, and I think that means you're content, or at the very least, indifferent, which is better than you throwing fits. (You probably get that face of indifference that from me.)

 Your dad had to work but I got to take you to Yellowstone for your first time (out of the womb). You were mostly indifferent about what went on there ALSO. But, Trayton and Ridge went with us, and you love them. So that was the best part for you. The best part for me was taking a selfie with you with Old Faithful going off behind us.

At your 9 month check up you were 18.35 pounds and 29" tall! Still slender and tall. But you still have those chunky thighs that I love to NOM!

Anyway, in spite of the fact that you're into everything and starting throwing the kind of fits where you throw yourself on the floor and scream bloody murder, I still love the crap outta you!

Love,
mom xoxox

Emerson: Month Eight

Emerson,

hello darling. It's hard for me to even believe I'm already writing another one of these. But, I think you're probably tired of hearing about how quickly it seems that you're growing up. One day you'll understand.

Well, we were in Georgia for a couple more weeks and about a week after you hit your 7th month mark you starting crawling! It seemed like it happened so fast. I thought it would be much more of a process but you were determined to be on the go. And off you went and you haven't slowed down since.

In addition to crawling you've started attempting to eat dog food, climbing the stairs and pulling up on anything and everything, the TV stand, the end table, the bookshelf, the wall, the couch, the guitar stands, the drawers in the hallway... and you fall about every 10 minutes. so there's a lot of crying, but you're fairly resilient and truth be told I like the opportunity to comfort you. Not saying I like when you're hurt but I do enjoy when you need me, which feels like less and less. :(

You LOVE your dad. You prefer him to me and it makes me jealous all the time. When he comes home from work you just cannot contain your excitement. It's pretty adorable so I'll let it slide THIS TIME.

Outside is your favorite place to be. You'll crawl around all over the grass like it ain't no thang. (Which I've heard sometimes babies apparently hate grass) Also, I caught you eating dirt while I was gardening. So that made me feel like a pretty good mom. But, better dirt than dog poop.

You're so cute and we love you so much. Even if you throw fits all the time. We're just enjoying every second with you and we are so glad you are ours.

Love you forever,
mom xoxo

born free.

Happy Fourth of July!
Enjoy these beautiful photos of our child.

Emerson: month seven

Emer-man,

You're so grown up! I can hardly believe it.

Suddenly you had one tooth pop up, and then another. It was really crazy how quickly it happened. Now it is actually pretty painful when you try to bite me.

We have been in Georgia and we were here when you hit your seven month mark. It's been fun being able to see everyone and you getting some good cousin time. Paisley loved to push you around in her baby stroller and toy shopping cart. And Walker loves to steal your paci and make you cry.

I feel like you change so much so quickly now that it's hard to keep track of when you started doing something. You did start to say "Ba" and "ba-ba-ba". I don't think it means much to you but you really seem to be proud of yourself for being able to say it. It is so adorable. I've been trying to get you to say MAMA but you're just sticking with BA BA for now. And I think DA DA will probably be next. Which will make me jealous.

Your new favorite game to play is peek-a-boo. Sometimes you'll even pull the blanket over your head and pull it down and then I say PEEK A BOO ! and you laugh and laugh. It can usually even make you stop crying for a moment if you're throwing a fit. Which by the way, you've also started to do that too. Cry if you get something taken away, but luckily you're still young enough I can distract you with something else.

 OH you also went to the Lake for the first time. It was still a little too cold but when we get home we are gonna go SWIMMIN! You went to the pool in GA, also. That was your first pool experience, I think you liked it. You are a water baby, I hope.

I hope I didn't leave anything out about what you've been up to this month. There's too much for me to keep up with. I love every second, though! But I can't believe how fast it's going.  Before I know you're going to be running around the house causing terror. 

We love you so much sweet angel baby!

Love, mom xoxox

Emerson: month six

                               


Emer-

sugar bug! I'm a little late writing this post but by the time you're old enough to even be reading these you won't know the difference and you're all that matters anyway.

You are a 1/2 a year old and you are basically a different baby everyday, but still beautiful and adorable.

You're sitting up on your own now. Once in awhile you forget that you have to balance and you fall over and then there's a thud and then there is crying and then I feel guilty. But, you're fine. (I hope.) You're also holding your own bottle. It is nice but sometimes it makes me feel a little sad that it's one less thing you NEED me for. But don't get it twisted, you still need me for a lot of things. (and I'm happy to oblige cause I love being yo mama!)

You think I am so funny. You usually have a smile for everyone but you save your belly laughs for me. I think I deserve it, cause I'm cool and I have a buttload stretchmarks for you. Also, I love you.

We also moved you to your own room. Sometimes I miss you. But we're all sleeping better now, so it's good. It's not like you care. We still snuggle so hard in the morning before you get up to eat. Speaking of eat, you're eating real food now. Well, kind of, purees. Mostly just avocado and sweet potato so far. I'm scared to give you new stuff cause your poops have been like clockwork (omg are you so embarrassed I'm talking about your poops?) and I don't want you to get stopped up or poop excessively. But it's already starting to change so I guess it's inevitable. Today you pooped all the way up your back, you've actually done this a few times in the last month. I blame Pampers. Gotta blame someone and I'm not gonna blame you cause you're too cute.

Oh, so this month we took you down to Sanpete County for the first time, and you were like MOM how did you grow up here and turn out so normal and cool? and I was like, miracles are real, Emerson, miracles are real. It was fun though. Also, your gma & gpa Coffin came to visit last weekend and we took you to the zoo at Tautphaus Park. You like to look at stuff so we thought you would enjoy it but most of it wasn't up close and personal enough for you to care. Perhaps a petting zoo would be better for you at this stage, or just sticking to your puppies.

Your doctor's appointment was yesterday. You're growing growing growing. Still tall and skinny. you're in the 22 percentile for weight 70th for height and 51st for head circumference (NORMAL HEAD SIZE OH YEAH). You cry so hard when you get your shots but only for a minute. Then you sleep it off like a champ. At the doctor's office they always call you a girl cause your name is Emerson and it makes me annoyed. Emerson is a boy's name. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, we love you, seriously so much. You are the best thing in this whole state, most likely in the world.

Love, Mommy