2013: our year in review.

I love the New Year. It gives me a chance to be nostalgic about the previous year and hopeful for the new one. 

in spite of living in the most boring state on earth. (or at least definitely in the top 10 most boring) we had a pretty eventful year. having a baby will do that do you, I guess. I've been really bad at blogging which is actually a good thing for the sake of the year in review post because I won't be beating too many dead horses. BUT it's a bad thing because Taylor wasn't able to print our blog book like he usually does because I  only had about 15 posts and it would have been a waste. So officially, I failed at blogging this year. I resolve to blog better in 2014.

Anyway, with the assistance of my photo journal aka instagram I am going to review this years events.  

January 2013: We started out the New Year in Las Vegas with my best friends. My BEEF, Jenalee, her husband Scotty, and her sweet babe Gracie. We partied medium hard. When we got back, Taylor forced me to start a job at a call center in Idaho Falls. Between the worst job in the world and the negative temperatures in Idaho, I was basically the most depressed I had ever been during the course of our marriage. Then Tayl told me that we couldn't have a baby for another 3 years.

February 2013: My horrible job motivated me to find a better one immediately. LUCKILY within 2 weeks, I did. I got a job at a car dealership and things started to really turn around for me as far as being depressed goes. My previously mentioned beef and her offspring came to visit for the first time and then we went to Utah to go to her parents mission farewell before they left for London. One day, after work, I was bored and decided to paint my nails. While I was getting in the cabinet to get my polish, I saw a pregnancy test I had from a previous pregnancy "scare". I had no reason to suspect that I might be pregnant because my period wasn't due for a couple of days. But, I was bored, and thought, why not? So I peed on the stick that would change my life forever. Almost exactly a year before this, I had a chemical pregnancy, so I decided to make sure that this was for real before I told anyone, even Taylor. I waited about 5 days to tell him. I told him some shoes I had ordered for him had arrived but they seemed "small". So I put some baby shoes (that I bought before I even got pregnant) in an amazon box with the positive pregnancy test. When he opened the box he stared back and forth at me and the box in disbelief. I was pretty emotional but I thought that he looked like he was mad so I started crying. But he finally smiled and laughed and cried. So I knew that I wasn't going to end up living in the streets with my baby after all.

March 2013: I finally started to get morning sickness. We got to go to the doctor and see our little man on the ultrasound, which was pretty mind blowing. We made a trip down to Manti for Easter. Other than that, I continued to secretly be pregnant. 

April 2013: We finally announced our pregnancy to the public when I was a couple days shy of 12 weeks. It was exciting and made it seem even more real. This month, we let our pals the Youngbergs borrow my car to go to SLC. They got into an accident on the highway and my mazda was totaled. It was sad to say goodbye to, but we are grateful everyone was okay. We finally decided to take advantage of the fact that we live less than two hours away from Yellowstone. It was kewl.

May 2013: We purchased our new car and traded in Taylor's NITRO. Now we have a 2013 Chevy Malibu and 1998 Chevy Blazer. HOLLLAA. We also got to go to a place in SLC to find out if our fetus was a boy or a girl at 15 weeks. It was fun because my dad got to be there with us. As you know now, our baby has a penis and is a boy. May is also the month of my birth which typically falls on or around memorial day weekend. This year it did. So we headed to Vegas again to be with my BFF. She surprised me with tickets to Thunder Down Under. So many butts. SOOO MANY BUTTS. On my actual birthday I woke up sick. It was the pits. Especially because when you're pregnant you can't take any medicine that actually helps. So I spent the rest of the trip sickly. My baby bump started to show.

June 2013: Taylor decided it would be a good time to get surgery on his nose and throat. It was 7 different procedures in one go. He was pretty miserable for about 3 weeks. I don't mean to be a victim here but it was hard on me too. Mostly because he wasn't well enough to give me the copious amounts of affection and attention he normally gives me that I had apparently taken for granted. Also, because I was pregnant and entitled. I didn't want to do anything for MYSELF let alone anyone else. We survived. I believe it was during this month that I hit my 20 week mark of pregnancy which also meant that my morning sickness FINALLY ended.

July 2013: The Giddens came to visit. Sheryl, April, Jamie, Jeff (for a couple of days) and Paisley. They painted my front rooms for me and we went to Bear Lake. They stayed for about ten days. I was sad when they went home. I finally started putting together the nursery. As in doing things BESIDES buying baby clothes. (I mean like a lot.) I got a dresser for 50 dollars and a rocking chair for 18 from the thrift store. I was pretty proud. 

August 2013: I decided that it was time to take Taylor down to the Demolition Derby in Manti. I just really felt like he wouldn't understand me until he did this. I was right. Unfortunately it hasn't been nearly as eventual and crazy as it used to be when I was really young. But I felt like the most important part was definitely the enviroment, the surroundings, the people. And he at least he experienced those things. Roscoe, got to wear a diaper for the first time. Because he wouldn't stop pissing on things at Holly's house. On the way home we picked up the crib from my dad's house. When we set that up in the nursery, that's when things really started to feel real. But only kind of.

September 2013: You could really start to tell that summer was ending in Idaho. Because of our lack of air conditioning and being pregnant, I was ready for the heat to go. (But now that we're into winter-- I take it all back) In the beginning of September we had a crazy storm. I LOVED it because it reminded me of Southern storms. Unfortunately though, it flooded our basement. BUT FORTUNATELY, our basement isn't finished and it went back down the drain. I had my first baby shower thrown by my step-mom and my aunts (dad's sisters) it was wonderful but unfortunately, it rained and they had set everything up outside. The next day we went to the farmer's market at Wheeler Farm and found boiled peanuts. It was the best. I finally had to take my wedding ring off before it cut my finger off. The 19th marked the 10 year anniversary of my mom's death. It seemed and still seems crazy to me. 

October 2013: THE MONTH OF MY DUE DATE. I had another baby shower thrown my by my amazing cousin Ranee. She basically had been working on the shower since the moment she found out I was pregnant. She put so much work and thought into it and it made me feel so loved. The one thing I can never do is try to claim that no one loves me. I have a lot of love in my life in spite of the fact that I am pretty lame sometimes. On the 18th, I had my last day of work so that I could relax and get a few last things ready for baby. the first week or two, or at least until my due date, it was LOVELY. I napped HARD sometimes a couple naps A DAY. but then I started to get bored and impatient. Halloween came and I was hoping for contractions and labor pains but all I got was trick -o -treaters and the privilege of putting costumes on my dogs. 

November 2013: It's pretty weird to me to think that I went almost half of the month of November still pregnant. Since I definitely thought he would at least show up the first couple of days in the month. I honestly don't remember what those days consisted of other than trying to kick start labor naturally. But honestly, I don't think those "tricks" are real. So I didn't try to hard. I just tried to rest and be patient. My aunt Holly and my grandma came and my aunt was basically the opposite of patient and came before the baby did. Luckily he did make an appearance while she was there though. Also, this month, I had a baby, did you know that? No big deal. BEEF Jenalee came the day I was discharged from the hospital to stay for the weekend. For Thanksgiving we went to visit my dad. Luckily Emerson is travelin' champ. 

December 2013: I spent the majority of December trying to adjust to being a mom. Let's be honest, it's the last day of December and I'm STILL trying to adjust. Basically at all times I just worry that I'm not doing the right thing. But I hear that's normal. We also decided to get real crazy and fly with our six week old to Georgia for Christmas. I can't speak for the flight home yet (since I am writing this from GA) but the flight here was pretty easy. He slept the whole time. Gosh he's a good baby. While we were here we also decided to have Emerson's blessing on Sunday at Taylor's parents house after church. It was great. I think I'll do all my baby blessings at home. And we don't want to go home on Friday. (Idaho < Georgia) Or at least I don't. So that mean Emerson also doesn't. Because he gets my emotions from my breast milk. That's how science works right?

Forcing myself to go and review our lives month by month has made me realize that actually we're still kind of boring, especially because I named things like "taking my ring off" as though that is an event that warrants an honorable mention. But none the less, we have a beautiful wonderful perfect baby boy and we still like each other as much as we did before we had a baby. So I think we're doing okay. And I'm not trying to do that thing where I tell you how great my baby is because I don't wanna sound like I hate him even though he is actually a terrible baby, he really is great.  In real life. You can ask anybody. 99% perfect, when he starts sleeping 8 hours straight at night, he will be 100% perfect. Sorry. (not sorry)

Here's to better blogging, and even more Emerson instagram pics in 2014. 

Happy New Year!

Emerson: month one.

ohhh my baby. 

you are our favorite thing. i mean we're really obsessed with you. it's okay that sometimes you keep us up at night. or pee on us (mostly your dad). or poop everywhere. or make it more complicated to go anywhere or do anything. we love you so much. and it's not just cause you're adorable. (which, holy crap! you really are) it's because you are ours and you are the greatest blessing we've ever received.

the first month of your life has blown by. just like i knew it would. it seems like every day you change a little more right before my eyes. you're growing fast! but you're still so tiny. as of tues. 12/10/13 you were 8 lbs 14 oz. you don't fit into any of your clothes yet very well, except your newborn clothes. which we don't have very many of. sometimes it's frustrating but I know one day you're going to be too big for these tiny clothes and i'll probably cry when i have to pack them up and save them for a rainy day, or another baby. It was rough enough when we had to switch from newborn diapers to size ones. which mostly only did because we ran out of newborn diapers and didn't want to buy more. but still, sad. i cried a little about that. about diapers. i guess i've gone soft.

no offense, but you're pretty predictable right now. you eat, sleep, poop, pee, and repeat. sometimes you sleep for a long time at night. but sometimes, you're like, naah. but i don't expect too much from you yet. within the last week, you started smiling at us. mostly me. you like me. a lot. you like your dad too. but i think i'm your favorite. (i better be) you like it when we sing to you and you really like it when we listen to music. especially Drake. and especially when I sing a long. 

you had your first thanksgiving two weeks ago. you did so good! you slept the whole way in the car and you let everyone pass you around without too much fussiness. everyone is in love with you. it's probably because you're perfect. your grandpa and grandma coffin are almost as obsessed with you as we are. you are already so spoiled. i can only imagine how it's going to be when you're older. but that's okay. NOW we hope you do just as good on our travels to GA for Christmas to see the Giddens. but i'll let you know. I'll love you no matter what.

sometimes you like baths, sometimes you don't. i think you're cute all the time but you're especially cute when you're fresh out of the bath and your nakie. i cuddle you up in towels and blankets until your little lip stops quivering. OH and you love to take naps while we hold you. and i love to do it. but i'm trying to slowly start breaking that habit. the last thing we want is for you to be a difficult sleeper. but right now we are enjoying how cuddly and sweet you are. 

we are loving every second of everyday with you and we really look forward to our adventures with you.

love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck! xoxo

-mom

sometimes you give birth to a kid.

I love my baby. I love him so much i can hardly comprehend it. It actually terrifies me how much I love him because it makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. However, what I loved less was the process of giving birth to  him. That's not to say I HATED giving birth because things were relatively easy and we both made it out healthy and alive but... let me explain.

I hate that I have to even say that. That I didn't *like* to give birth. I did so much research about childbirth. I would almost say that I knew too much for my own good. I knew that my body knew exactly what it needed to do and the pain was just my body doing the work of getting my baby out. I knew that I wanted to have a natural labor with a midwife at a birth center. To my dismay though, that wasn't how it was going to work for me. When I got pregnant I discovered that my insurance would cover EVERYTHING in a hospital and NOTHING with anything else. Some women would say, "it's worth the 5 grand +!" but that wasn't really in the cards for us. SO I made the best with what I had. I created a birth plan and told my doctors that I wanted to have a natural birth and they were on board. I wasn't delusional by any means, I knew that sometimes things happen when you have a baby and things don't go the way you want. 

BUT, things were going well for me. I had a very healthy pregnancy. My blood pressure was perfect, my pee was clean, my glucose levels were fine, Emerson's heart rate was perfect and his head was down, I was gaining the exact right amount of weight etc etc. So I figured, having the birth I want, should be no problem. I even chose to deliver at a hospital that was totally cool with women having natural deliveries. Everything was fine.

Then, my due date came and went. My OB asked me if I wanted to be induced. I said no. He'd come when he was ready.  So I waited and kept going in for my check ups. To my dismay, my blood pressure started creeping up at each subsequent visit. When I went in at 41 week 5 days, my BP was too high for my OB to be comfortable with so he said we needed to induce. My heart sank. So, we discussed the ways to get labor started and we came to an agreement that I was most comfortable with. I was grateful to have a doctor that listened to my concerns, discussed things through with me, and didn't bully me into things I didn't want. 

So we went home to get all my stuff I had packed. After that, we said a prayer in the car and stopped for lunch and went to the hospital. I wasn't even nervous. Why wasn't I nervous? I have no idea. I was about to experience something completely insane and then my life would be changed forever afterwards and there was no turning back. But at 12:45 PM on 11/11 I was like, no big deal, Let me put on this hospital gown that someone probably died in at some point and watch Honey Boo Boo while my cervix ripens. So for the first few hours, that's what I did.

Apparently contractions were coming but I couldn't feel them other than a little tightening. I would occasionally get up, walk around, pee, snack, whatever. Then I would have to get back in bed to check my blood pressure and the baby's heart rate. Fortunately, as I relaxed my blood pressure started to go down, but it wasn't down very much. And then I had to get Antibiotics in an IV because I was GBS positive and that burned my veins. It was really uncomfortable. At about 5:45 my OB came in to see how I was doing. He decided it would be best if he broke my water. I wasn't super stoked about that. But my BP was betraying me. So he did. And once he did, things really got going. I started to feel the contractions and within three hours they got really intense. At that point I had switched nurses and the new nurse was someone who had delivered her babies naturally, so she showed Taylor how to push my legs and knees into my hips to help relieve of some the pain during contractions. It did help a lot. What I really wanted was to get up and walk around but I had to get another round of antibiotics and my blood pressure was creeping up again. So I was stuck in the bed in pain. I did my best to work through them with the help of my wonderful husband but by 10:45 PM I was exhausted and at my wits end and my blood pressure was insanely high. Like I was about to have a stroke. It was like 200/110 or something. The last time I was checked I was at 5cm, and about an hour later I started having urges to push and my contractions were out of control. At one point I had 3 contractions that overlapped each other and the peak of the pain lasted about 5 minutes straight and the baby was squirmy so they had me on my side to get his heart rate which for some reason intensified the pain of the contractions and all I could do was lay on the bed and writhe and scream in pain.  So the nurse checked me again and I was at 8cm. I was so relieved to know that the pain was actually moving things along. I thought, Okay, I can definitely do this! I'm almost there! So I asked how much longer, and she told me 3-4 hours at the most. At that point I wanted to cry. I looked that nurse right in the eyes and told her I wanted the epidural. It was strange because I had always feared getting to that point in hospital, where I broke down and decided I wanted drugs and I would get it because it was available even though I probably could have done it without it. But in that moment, I was so exhausted, I would try to close my eyes and rest and then a contraction would hit and rest was not an option and so when I decided to get the epidural, I felt no guilt, I felt no fear, I was in survival mode.

when the anesthesiologist came in I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently I wasn't breathing very well so they put an oxygen mask on me. Looking back, I'm not sure if I should have been more scared about that mask but I didn't care. contractions were still coming every minute or so. When he told me I had to hold perfectly still while he jabbed me with that sweet sweet poison I was genuinely scared of being paralyzed or something. But I did it. I had a super intense contraction during that moment but I squeezed Tayl's hand as hard as I could and then it was over. 11:45 PM Within minutes I started to feel relief. For the first time in hours, I was able to smile. I wanted to kiss that anesthesiologist on the mouth. I was back to being excited about my baby coming. The strangest part of the epi was that I could move my legs, and I could still feel when I was having a contraction, but I just didn't feel any pain. I thought I would basically be useless from the waist down.

So I was finally able to just rest, I actually slept. Not well, because I could still feel the contractions (not pain). But, it was the rest I needed. I'm not sure I would have been able to push the baby out of me otherwise. Also, my blood pressure dropped dramatically. I was back in normal ranges. Around 4 AM, I started to push and blah blah blah I'll spare you the gory details but at 5:10 AM my little perfect goopy bundle of joy came out of my womb and into this crazy world at 8 pounds 5 oz and 21 inches long.

Looking back, as time has passed, I am totally okay with how things went down. BUT, the first few days I felt a little internal guilt for getting drugged up while I was giving birth to my baby. It made me upset to even think about it. I was ashamed. I didn't think I would ever be able to tell people my birth story let alone put it on my blog. But in the end, I did what was best for both of us in my situation. As we approach Emerson's one month mark, the most valuable thing I have learned is that the worst thing I can do is go online and read what other mom's are doing or have done. Mom world is a scary world. I'm not an expert... yet. But my baby is healthy and growing and happy and so am I, and so that means I'm doing okay. And everyone else in mom world who judges, can suck it.