Emerson: month six

                               


Emer-

sugar bug! I'm a little late writing this post but by the time you're old enough to even be reading these you won't know the difference and you're all that matters anyway.

You are a 1/2 a year old and you are basically a different baby everyday, but still beautiful and adorable.

You're sitting up on your own now. Once in awhile you forget that you have to balance and you fall over and then there's a thud and then there is crying and then I feel guilty. But, you're fine. (I hope.) You're also holding your own bottle. It is nice but sometimes it makes me feel a little sad that it's one less thing you NEED me for. But don't get it twisted, you still need me for a lot of things. (and I'm happy to oblige cause I love being yo mama!)

You think I am so funny. You usually have a smile for everyone but you save your belly laughs for me. I think I deserve it, cause I'm cool and I have a buttload stretchmarks for you. Also, I love you.

We also moved you to your own room. Sometimes I miss you. But we're all sleeping better now, so it's good. It's not like you care. We still snuggle so hard in the morning before you get up to eat. Speaking of eat, you're eating real food now. Well, kind of, purees. Mostly just avocado and sweet potato so far. I'm scared to give you new stuff cause your poops have been like clockwork (omg are you so embarrassed I'm talking about your poops?) and I don't want you to get stopped up or poop excessively. But it's already starting to change so I guess it's inevitable. Today you pooped all the way up your back, you've actually done this a few times in the last month. I blame Pampers. Gotta blame someone and I'm not gonna blame you cause you're too cute.

Oh, so this month we took you down to Sanpete County for the first time, and you were like MOM how did you grow up here and turn out so normal and cool? and I was like, miracles are real, Emerson, miracles are real. It was fun though. Also, your gma & gpa Coffin came to visit last weekend and we took you to the zoo at Tautphaus Park. You like to look at stuff so we thought you would enjoy it but most of it wasn't up close and personal enough for you to care. Perhaps a petting zoo would be better for you at this stage, or just sticking to your puppies.

Your doctor's appointment was yesterday. You're growing growing growing. Still tall and skinny. you're in the 22 percentile for weight 70th for height and 51st for head circumference (NORMAL HEAD SIZE OH YEAH). You cry so hard when you get your shots but only for a minute. Then you sleep it off like a champ. At the doctor's office they always call you a girl cause your name is Emerson and it makes me annoyed. Emerson is a boy's name. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, we love you, seriously so much. You are the best thing in this whole state, most likely in the world.

Love, Mommy

the hole in my heart.

for many years, my heart had a gaping, painful [metaphorical] hole in it. a hole that was created from the loss of my mother in 2003. the hole caused a deep ache in my chest and at any given moment anything could trigger it, but the ache was nearly unbearable on holidays, particularly mother's day.

as time went on, various people were able to take up the space in that hole to make things more bearable. still painful, but bearable. my relationship with my Heavenly Father, new friendships, deeper, more meaningful relationships with family members, and eventually, Taylor Giddens.

I had a lot of love in my life. I still cried for my mother, and the relationship we could have had and the things I needed from a mother, but would never get. But the pain I felt from that was manageable, thanks to all of the wonderful people in my life, particularly my husband.

But I still felt a void in my heart, in my life. I was certain that this aching void would never go away. That I would never feel like a whole person again, no matter how many loving relationships and friendships I had.

And then, on November 12th, 2013 my baby boy came into this world and proved me wrong.

Emerson has filled up all of the spaces in my heart that were still empty. he has repaired my heart to make me feel like a whole person again. he has given my life new meaning. Being his mother has made my whole life so much better.

This was the first mother's day since 2003 that I haven't woken up with a feeling of despair, dread, and heartache. Attempting to avoid the world and the motherly love I didn't get to partake in. This morning I woke up filled with such gratitude that I get to be a mother and was overwhelmed with the love have have for my sweet little angel baby, and couldn't wait to kiss his perfect face.

I always thought it was so cliche to for mothers to say all of the sleepless nights, all of the poop, the inconsolable crying, the worrying, the insecurities, the bad days, that they were all worth the perfect moments you get with your children, but it is so true. It is all so worth it.

This is not to say that I don't miss my mother, that I don't still cry for her sometimes, but just that my son has made me whole again. He is my little piece of heaven on earth. a little piece of my mom given to me again.

I love being a mom, I really, really do.