the hole in my heart.

for many years, my heart had a gaping, painful [metaphorical] hole in it. a hole that was created from the loss of my mother in 2003. the hole caused a deep ache in my chest and at any given moment anything could trigger it, but the ache was nearly unbearable on holidays, particularly mother's day.

as time went on, various people were able to take up the space in that hole to make things more bearable. still painful, but bearable. my relationship with my Heavenly Father, new friendships, deeper, more meaningful relationships with family members, and eventually, Taylor Giddens.

I had a lot of love in my life. I still cried for my mother, and the relationship we could have had and the things I needed from a mother, but would never get. But the pain I felt from that was manageable, thanks to all of the wonderful people in my life, particularly my husband.

But I still felt a void in my heart, in my life. I was certain that this aching void would never go away. That I would never feel like a whole person again, no matter how many loving relationships and friendships I had.

And then, on November 12th, 2013 my baby boy came into this world and proved me wrong.

Emerson has filled up all of the spaces in my heart that were still empty. he has repaired my heart to make me feel like a whole person again. he has given my life new meaning. Being his mother has made my whole life so much better.

This was the first mother's day since 2003 that I haven't woken up with a feeling of despair, dread, and heartache. Attempting to avoid the world and the motherly love I didn't get to partake in. This morning I woke up filled with such gratitude that I get to be a mother and was overwhelmed with the love have have for my sweet little angel baby, and couldn't wait to kiss his perfect face.

I always thought it was so cliche to for mothers to say all of the sleepless nights, all of the poop, the inconsolable crying, the worrying, the insecurities, the bad days, that they were all worth the perfect moments you get with your children, but it is so true. It is all so worth it.

This is not to say that I don't miss my mother, that I don't still cry for her sometimes, but just that my son has made me whole again. He is my little piece of heaven on earth. a little piece of my mom given to me again.

I love being a mom, I really, really do.